Deep introspection
Overwhelmed. Daily routines. Drudgery.
The news, political conflicts, global warming, emotional roller coasters, finance, career, job, freelance wishlists. Feeling lost too often from my own good becomes a habit. Diving deep into depression, paralyzed by being a perfectionist. I often relate my immaturity with all of this. Blaming life, or any other moving beings. When you look at life, it makes you feel you need to be immune to everything going on and just do your own thing. Problem, I believe my heart is too big for my own good. I’m an extremist, balance is even further. But then again, balance is where a human should stand at all time.
Misconception
Often I saw myself as the one they would never understand. Therefore I don’t bother explaining where I’m at, or where I come from to anyone. Deep inside there’s always this layer of sadness, but all around my friend would judge me as the most joyful person ever. It’s contagious, I can just be around and fill a room with positive energy. My deepest fear, as you may guessed is the fear of being misunderstood by my closed ones, so much love to share around.
In order to feel better, I often see myself as an empathetic person. I’d love to help the whole world. Not too long ago, I realized I’m not the only one that has ever been in this position — Perhaps hundred of thousands have been there. It’s not fatalism. I fought for so long — on the quest of being a better person, then again I keep repeating the same mistakes.
Insanity
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Knowing this how can I possibly expect to change knowing I do the same thing? Someone I really appreciate once told me: “People don’t change in a day.” And this was by far the most truthful statement I could relate to. The inner battles I go through, the overnight success I wish for.
I suck at planning but I love to think I’m great at executing. Then again, these might be all the prefix features I believed I had. Another friend once told me: “You need to see someone.” This affect me more than I thought, no ones wants to think they’re not sane, not okay or simply needs help. When you get so deep, you start to be very creative in the ways you hurt yourself, without knowing most of the time.
My way out
Embrace what works for you. And what works for me is being disconnected from moment to moment with the whole world. And I do this by putting my headphones on, and dive in to any tasks. Even flowing through my thoughts. At this very moment, the music sets my mood — It takes control on how I will feel for the escape journey. Usually going to an unusual spot helps. I need it in order to plan and be ahead of the game. Being reactive doesn’t work for me, it raises my blood pressure. I’m okay with improvising 10–20% but not the 80% I usually have to deal with. Visualize my life and prioritizing my next moves through the scope of my long term vision is my next project.
Writing is a way for me to express myself. And I know there’s a lot of people out there using such a method or another to fight their inner battles.
Sorry world, a break is needed from time to time. And this is what works for me. I hope you find what works for you.
